Over the last five months, trying to process losing CJ, and trying to process that he took his own life, has been nothing short of excruciating. It’s not something I can escape from. It is relentless and exhausting in every way. Nothing prepares you for going to bed one night with your life intact, and without warning, waking up a few hours later to your life being destroyed. The hardest part for all of us who knew CJ, and spent time with CJ, has been trying to understand why. The way CJ lived his life was a complete contrast to how he died. I wish I had the answer to why for myself, as well as for all of our friends and family. One of CJ’s basketball teammates once referred to him as a warrior. I think this is a perfect description of him. CJ lived his life with a fighting spirit. He embraced challenges and thrived in challenging situations- not just in sports, but in life in general. He was courageous, brave, and fearless. He lived a remarkable life in his 15 short years. He accomplished things that many people spend their entire lives trying to achieve. He was a leader and role model to many. One of the things that has brought me the most comfort over the last few months is the letters and messages shared with us about times CJ was a good friend or teammate.
So...how does someone who has so much going for them decide to end their life? As long as I’m living, that is something I will never truly understand or have the answer to...so instead of continuing to ask the question, why, I'm beginning to ask, "what now?" What I do know is that in a moment of hurt and pain, CJ made an impulsive mistake. "Tragedy" is the only word that seems to adequately define it. Teenagers are impulsive and can't see past their own hurt. My sister-in-law reminded me of a song by Brad Paisley with a verse that says, "...but I know at 17 it's hard to see past Friday night." This is the best understanding I have of what happened. While it doesn't answer why, it does help me understand. CJ had so many wonderful things going for him in his life, but he couldn't see past the one thing that wasn't. How many of us do this same thing? We have so many blessings in our lives, but we focus on the one thing that isn't going well. If there is one lesson I want to come out of this, is for all of us to focus on the good things we have, and not become so focused on the negative things in our lives that we can't see the big picture. It is now ironically my life's mission as CJ's mom to see that he is remembered for all that he was, and all that he did, and not this tragedy. Our worst days and our biggest mistakes don’t define us. It does not change all the good we have done. It doesn’t erase the 15 years of living a great life. I truly believe that.
I know if given a 2nd chance, CJ would never choose this. I have felt deeply, many times, how sorry he is. I can only remember being really mad at CJ three or four times in his whole life. All he ever had to say was, “I’m sorry, Mom.” - and that was it- I couldn’t stay mad at him. Of all the feelings I've felt over these last five months, anger at CJ isn't one of them. For the people on the outside looking in. I want you to know: The difference between us, and CJ, is we still have a 2nd chance. We have the chance to do better and be better. Mistakes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are harder to rectify than others, but if we’re willing and still here, we always have a 2nd chance.
In honor of CJ, I hope that we will all live better, and do better. I hope that we will use our 2nd chance to better our lives. I hope that we will remember the way CJ lived his life, and strive to do the same.
One moment, one hour, one day at a time!
-Nicole
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