We just passed the one-year mark of losing our most precious gift- the one-year mark of having our lives shattered. This year has been the ultimate test in strength, endurance, and faith. I didn't know how we would make it a year ago, and I had very little hope or faith.
Time has been a funny thing since losing CJ- It can feel like it just happened, but also feel like an eternity since I've seen him- all at the same time.
I haven't written much lately, mainly because the words just don't seem to be there. They haven't come as easily as they did at first. It was strange initially; I have never really liked to write or spent much time writing- but in those early days, after CJ first passed away, entire paragraphs would come to me while I was in bed or in the shower, and it was just effortless. Lately, trying to write anything has just been difficult.
I wanted to try today, though, because we've made it one year, and I promised myself if we got through this first year, I would share with others what has helped us through. I know a year ago, when I was standing in complete devastation, I reached out to anyone who had made it through the worst year of their life to ask for advice (sometimes I didn't even know them.) I wanted a roadmap. I needed something to give me hope.
When I think about how we made it, there's one word that keeps popping into my head, barely. I feel like we barely made it. That might not seem very encouraging, but we are still here, 365 days later. We have gotten up time and time again, and we are still here. So even if it's barely, we have done it!
I'm not naive enough to think we are through the worst of it. The last month and a half have been proof of that. It has been brutal. I also don't believe that things are better or easier than a year ago. But one thing I can say with certainty is that I have more hope than I did one year ago. I've never needed easy; I just needed to know it was possible.
...So, here are the things I feel have helped us. I hope for those of you reading this, you never need to know them, but I also know there is someone out there who may need to hear them at some point in time.
Prayers- So- many -prayers. Those from us, and those on behalf of us. There is no other explanation for how you survive something like this. I am not a particularly religious person. (I'm not necessarily proud to admit it, but I can't tell you the last time I went to church.) I do believe, however, that prayer has carried us through this. From the moment I found out CJ had left us, I have prayed daily, sometimes many times a day- and I am so grateful for all of those who have also included us in their prayers.
Family- We are blessed with the best families you could ever hope for. They have loved us and supported us in every way possible. They have seen us at our lowest moments and never wavered in their support. We have been entirely unlovable at times, but they continue to show up and love us. Embrace your family and let them support you.
Friends and Community- Even though I have tried to express it, our friends and community will never know how their acts of kindness have affected us. You have made it known how much we are loved and how much CJ was loved. Find your village and allow them to help you (this is something I am still learning how to do.). You don't survive a tragedy like this without the love and support of others. People are inherently good. They want to help- let them.
Allowing the things I loved best about CJ to live on within me- This was the best piece of advice I received. CJ was the strongest, most courageous, confident child I have ever met. I try to live my life each day with those same qualities.
Counseling- Early on, I said to someone once, " We are strong, but we are not this strong." I have realized that learning to live without your child isn't all about strength- That asking for help doesn't mean you are weak. Sometimes we need guidance and insight that we aren't equipped to handle on our own. I am eternally grateful for the counseling we have received and our relationship with our counselor. He has changed our lives, and I will forever be indebted to him.
Gratitude- Although it is hard to feel grateful when you are hurting, I try hard to look for one thing to be thankful for each day. I still have so much to be grateful for.
Hot Showers- I mean so hot that they feel like your skin is going to burn off. We often joke when I go get into the shower at the end of the night, "I am going to wash the day away." It truly does feel like that, though.
Epson Salt Baths- They just feel good at the end of a hard day. Sometimes you just have to do things that feel good-if only for a moment.
Reading- I've heard many people say it was hard for them to read when they were grieving. For me, it has been something that has really helped. It gives my mind something to focus on and gives it a break from all the other things that occupy it.
Helping and Serving Others- When we focus on others, it also helps us heal. We have made it our purpose to prevent any other family from going through this. The work we are doing through CJ's foundation has been the thing that has helped us heal the most.
~Nicole
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