Let me start by saying, I would do anything to prevent another parent from going through this. I always worry when I share that I may say the wrong things. I am not trained to give advice. I'll I can do is share our story and hope that someone will connect with it and it may help them in some way. All we can do is keep telling CJ's friends and classmates that they are so loved and would be so missed- that their parents would be so, so, devastated without them here. I worry about saying the wrong things, but I still think that it is better than saying nothing!
I know I've shared before- When CJ passed away, I read anything and everything I could to try and understand and find some hope. One of the sites I visited frequently was the Suicide Prevention website. The theme that came up over and over was, "know the signs." This slogan tormented me. I racked my brain to see what we had missed. What signs had we missed? I replayed the last few days, weeks, and months over and over in my mind. None of the signs they shared were present with CJ. Sure, there were days he wasn't as happy as others, but I had two other teenagers and it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.
I had spent CJ's entire life trying to protect him. I was constantly on his case about wearing his seatbelt, wearing his helmet, not driving too fast... If this would have even remotely been on my radar, I would have rearranged my entire life to try and prevent it from happening. We had no idea.
Even months later, in retrospect, I still don't see them. CJ was loved as much as anyone could be loved. He had a village of family, extended family, coaches, teachers, friends, and teammates- no one, ( as far as I know) saw signs of CJ doing this.
Then I think of parents who do see signs, and their child still goes through with it. How must they feel?
This all left me feeling really lost. I think mostly because when bad things happen, I've always tried to make meaning of them. I know so many people involved with suicide prevention are parents who have lost children. Trying to prevent it from happening to someone else is how they find their meaning and purpose. I couldn't relate to this because I didn't know what advice I could give to others. I didn't know what we could have done differently to prevent this from happening.
...so I guess part of me wants to tell you, "If it could happen to CJ , it could happen to anyone." Assume that it is possible for your child. Educate yourself, have tough conversations, and be proactive. Know the signs and look for the signs, but also remember that there may not be any signs.
...but then there is this other part of me that wants to tell you, "Despite our best attempts, we really have so much less control over our children, and what happens to them, than we wish we did." Accidents, tragedies, and illnesses happen and they are out of our control despite all we do to protect our kids. So more than anything I would tell you not to live with regrets. The only thing more painful than our current situation would be having regrets about my relationship with CJ. I can confidently say that I don't.
I told CJ I loved him every time I left the house in the morning, every time I got off the phone with him, and every night before bed. I went chucker hunting and fishing with him- even though I didn’t enjoy it all that much. I ran plays for him so he could practice his quarterback skills -even though I was terrible at it. I hit him ground balls so he could practice his infield -even though I was more than terrible at it. I guarded him on the basketball court so he could practice his moves on me- even though he laughed the whole time because he could get past me without even trying. I took him on late-night runs to Taco Bell- even though I was tired and already in bed. I hugged on him and loved on him- even when he didn't want me to.
The day CJ passed away, we had a wonderful day together. He finally passed his driver's permit test!! We spent the day together and practiced his driving that evening. All these memories are now treasures to me. I am so grateful that my memories with him aren't filled with regret.
I wish there was a definite way to keep bad things from happening, but the truth is, there isn't. I think that is what scares people so bad about our story. Some people will look away because it's too scary, but I hope that most people will learn something from it- and If you only learn one thing from our story, please live and love fiercely. They always say that life can change in a blink of an eye. We are proof that it can. If someone would have told me this would be my life six months ago, I would have told them they were crazy. I now view life with a different clarity. It makes my priorities different and it definitely makes me love harder.
-Nicole
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