"It's easy to be first in line when things are easy, but where do you stand when things are tough."
This quote is from the song "Boys of Fall" by Kenny Chesney. CJ used to listen to it before many of his big games. We also played it at the recessional of his funeral. It is a song about football, but it also has so many life lessons. I always thought this was an important lesson for my kids. It became a question we asked them many times in their lives when things got tough- whether it be in sports, school, or relationships. It became a quality I really admired in CJ. Even if he had the worst game, he was always cheering on his teammates. I guess I am reminded of this song right now because CJ should be starting his sophomore football season. It's another thing that we are missing, and I'm struggling with that right now. It's still so hard for me to wrap my head around him being gone.
This question is also one that I have asked myself many times throughout my life. I just never knew how tough the tough could get. Although I'm trying, it is so difficult as we go through the most challenging time of our lives. I'm not always great at it. There are times I battle with jealousy and resentment. There are times I want to have a temper tantrum- cry, scream and curse this situation we are in. I want to stay home and shut the rest of the world out.
It's not that we aren't cheering for you or don't want good things to happen for others. It just hurts so bad to see all the milestones we are missing with CJ- birthdays, games, dances, driving. It's hard to be constantly reminded of all we have lost. I try to avoid seeing these reminders and try to avoid these conversations. I avoid driving past certain places in town. I hope sometime these reminders won't hurt so bad, and we'll be able to be back there by your side, but until then, know that we are in your corner. We are cheering for you. We are excited about your celebrations; we just can't be there right now.
The best I can describe life for us is like living at a very high elevation. It is possible to survive, but everything is more challenging. All the things that used to come so easy take so much effort now. The simplest tasks take me all day to complete. There are days it takes me all day to work myself up to replying to a text or making a phone call. Living like this is exhausting. It doesn't always make me the nicest person to be around. I know that we are taking so much more that we can give back right now, and for that, I am so grateful. Thank you for loving us when we aren't very lovable. Thank you for continuing to show up when we can't show up for you.
I hope as CJ's friends move through these milestones of their lives, they will share them with us and will continue to carry CJ with them.
Now that CJ is gone, "Boys of Fall" has become even more special to me. I recognize other lessons when I listen to it. At the end of the song, they are in a huddle chanting, "last play, last play." They are referring to their last play in football- ever! For me, it is a reminder that we never really know when our last play will be- whether in sports or life. I try now to live like it might be my last play. I hope that I am making my boy as proud as he made me for all his years.
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